I've begun this blog post so many times and yet I still can't seem to say what I mean to. Today has been one year. Maybe one day I'll be able to accurately explain what happened and what is happening now, but today I can't. All I know is that I thought God was done with me. I'm writing this because maybe someone needs to hear it. And even though it's painful, it's a blessing today.
One year ago today I realized that the future I had envisioned was never going to happen. It was one of the most painful days of my life. I'd run so far away from God for so long, and in a moment I realized exactly where I was. I was lost and cold and more selfish than I ever thought I could become. I was a monster. In that day I finally saw myself for what I really was and was truely horrified. I literally fell on my knees and let myself be broken.
This past year has been full bittersweet. God welcomed me back and I will never fully understand why. Sometimes everyday seems to bring me another adventure, sometimes it seems as though I'm flooded with impossiblities. But my life will never again be what it was then. I may still be a monster, but I pray that I will never be that girl again. My point is, however, that when I thought I was done, God was only beginning.
I've been weaker then ever before, and out of my own control. (which, for those of you who know me, is absolutely petrifying.) I've felt useless and spent, and somehow God finds that little bit that's left of me and uses it. It's absolutely exhausting but also incredible and fulfilling.
I'd also like to say that I didn't spend this year just me and God, however that was a huge part of it. I owe my sanity, in part, to several of my closest friends and family. (you know who you are.) I don't deserve you all, and I'll also never know why you all have blessed me as selflessly as you have. I hope that one day I'll be able to bless you as well as you have taught me is indicative of someone who loves God.
I've spent this entire year knowing a little of what the next day will hold as far as pain and/or regret. But for the first time tonight I'll fall asleep with absolutely no idea what tomorrow will hold and it scares me. I'm scared because I thought I'd always wake up with the weight of this year. Because I assumed that tomorrow morning I would wake up and be perfectly fine, and I've realized that I will never be the same. Because I had accepted the fact that I would never forget what it was like to fall in love and I realized today that I had forgotten. I'm scared because I don't know and I'm vulnerable.
But it's a great kind of scared. I heard once that courage is not the absence of fear, but the knowledge that something is more important than that fear. I know that God's work for me isn't done and so, while I still feel very weak, I can say that I am confident in my Lord and have courage that if He brings me to it, He will see me through it, because only He can.
Praise the Lord, He is faithful.
~Elyz~
ps: Day 1...
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