Wednesday, September 21, 2011

Remember me when you dissolve in the rain...

(Lyrics from "Black Water Falls" by: The War on Drugs)

Today I have several song suggestions for you all, so enjoy!
(Black Water Falls by: The War on Drugs,
Why Can't We Fall in Love Forever by: The Physics of Meaning,
Like a Staring Contest by: The Future Kings of Nowhere,
Sing by: Travis,
Skinny Love by: Bon Iver)

The Physics of Meaning and The Future Kings of Nowhere are both local bands--for those of you who are locals.

Haven't I learned this lesson yet? (Patience: the lesson that never gets learned.)

I'm waiting for a lot of things lately. I can't help but think at some point I would have learned this lesson. I'm trying to do my best with what I've been given, but at points I feel like I'm over-reacting to the snip-its of information God has given me.

I like acting.
I need a man who doesn't need me.
I should constantly be evaluating my priorities.
I need to learn to say "no."

But I can't necessarily use all that information to say,
I must do [variable] with my life!

This begins to annoy.

For those of you who either know me or know this blog, you know I like to have a road-map, like my Dad. Yes, Dad, as much as you think I'm like Mom--flying by the seat of my pants--I don't like wandering aimlessly most of the time.

I would so much rather know where I'm going so that I can make sure to prepare accordingly/get used to it.

So many options these days...film or stage...home or abroad...graduate to more school or work...

I'm working on it. Every time I feel like I've got a handle on the direction I'm going to step forward in, God laughs. I'm I really that bad at guessing?

I think I'm going to start writing some more, once the show closes of course. I think I will also play guitar more...I'd really like to be good at that.

My roommate made an excellent point last night. She said that we should start enjoying our singleness, which seemed incomprehensible to me at the time (You should know that I am RARELY happy to be single) however, she said that most of her married friends have very little time to themselves to memorize Scripture, or just to do what they love.

So I'm going to really try to memorize Scripture (something I've never really attempted, don't get all righteous, you know you don't either) and get really good at guitar, because I can. I mean I'll still act when I can but I'm not going to kill myself trying to act every single chance there is.

I want to see if I'm good at film. Honestly, I have a hunch I'm a better film actress than stage, but you never know.

And as far as after graduation, I have a whole year to worry myself about that. And I know I will. Who really knows what they're doing anyway?

Mulling over life,
~Elyz~

Monday, September 12, 2011

Niches.

Hello cyberworld, it's been too long.

Meanwhile in Elyz's world: I've been in rehearsal for "The Philadelphia Story" which is turning out wonderfully and will be opening soon. I also worked on a 48-hour film festival this weekend for SparkCon.

I wanted to talk about the later a smidge bit.

I got to see the finished product last night and was thoroughly proud of myself. I was positively shocked. I mean I am never really truely proud of the things I do, I'm mostly okay at most things. But I'm not afraid to say I did really well with this character. And it feels phenomenal.

I haven't done hardly any film previous to this but I can assure you that I'll be attempting more in the future.

On the other hand I've got too many options. I could graduate in a year, technically. If not then than the spring of that year. It's time to be honest with myself and the world: I'm petrified.

What have I spent the past two years doing? I'm more confused than I was when I started two years ago! I thought that college was for--figuring out your niche. Well, it's not doing a very good job.

I began with two options of career and now I've got so many I'm not even going to try to count them. I keep praying that God will clarify what He wants for me, but it seems like He just throws out more options.

I know God has gifted me for a reason. There are jobs out there that I am right for and can bless others with...so why is it so hard to decipher which ones are the best?

I'm not auditioning for Rent.

I know that much. This weekend showed me that God will provide the opportunities as long as I'm consistant in following His conviction. So I'm not even going to audition.

I've also learned that I've been afraid of the industry. I know, I was surprised too. I've been so scared of being asked to do something that I won't do and having to reject an opportunity that I've told myself I'm not good enough to even try. (Don't ask, my mind is twisted.)

Well, I'm not afraid anymore. If I have to shut a door, God can take care of it. I mean what kind of faith is it to assume you can mess up God's plans?

Conclusion: God, I have no earthly idea what you want for my life but I'll keep holding to what You've said and You can just figure out how to get me there, haha!

Today is a great day.
:)

Figuring out the world one day at a time,
~Elyz~

Monday, August 29, 2011

Now What?

It's been about a month since I arrived home from Prague and I'm ready to go back. I knew this was coming though. This doesn't surprise me in the least.

I know God has work for me right here in college, in work, in church, in theatre...but what?

I've recently joined the cast for the first show of the year, The Philadelphia Story, and it's going to be wonderful, however I can't seem to shake this feeling that there's got to be something more that I should be doing.

After all the training and growing up I went through during the summer, this just seems like a let down. Am I missing something?

Lately I've been begging God to send me. I honestly know I'm ready to do some awesome work for Christ. I want to make a difference for the gospel but I feel like I'm being caged. And I know what you're going to say, "wait on the Lord." Well, I'm trying.

I can't help feeling that my influence here has ceased to be useful. People respect that I don't force religion in their faces and that's great and wonderful but I feel like they've gotten used to me. And to what I know about Christ.

This doesn't make any sense does it? Even as I'm typing it doesn't make sense.

On the other hand, I've started riding my bike lately to classes, and it feels like victory.

(I have no grip on words today.)
~Elyz~

Monday, July 25, 2011

Back at the Booth

Hello friends,

I'm back here in the US of A and back to the tiny concrete booth I live in from 9 to 5 every weekday.

There's so much to say and no words to say it with. But I'll attempt...

I've grown up so much over this summer and can say with full confidence that God is making me into the woman He wants me to be. He opened doors every single day for me to glorify Him and talk about Him with my peers and the people of the Czech Republic.

This is the second time in my life thus far that I've gone through days where I had nothing at all to cling to but Christ and I have to say it's incredibly empowering. I woke up every morning those first few weeks and brushed my teeth looking out over the Prague skyline and prayed that God would use me.

Praise God, He did.

I'm not saying I'm perfect or that I've become perfect by going but that I have changed. I can hardly recognize myself from the person I was before.

My mind is still blown that God used me to encourage a group of youth and their pastor who had narrowly escaped arrest and possibly death in Birma for their faith. In the Czech Republic.

I would like for all of you who do claim Christ to pray for them and their pastor Rocky and pray that God sends them Bibles in their own language.

I can't stop thinking about what God has done for me and others on this trip and yet I'm so afraid I'll forget. I'm afraid that I'll fall back into myself and let myself focus on angsting over guys and drama or preoccupy myself with trying to plan out my future when I should really just rest in God's love and peace, knowing that I don't have to steer.

Pray for me.

Praise God for all the amazing things He's done!

To be continued...
~Elyz~

Saturday, May 14, 2011

The Sound of Growing Up

So if I were to hit the sack right now I'd get a good 7 hours of sleep, but of course that's far too easy.

Actually I can't sleep. It's T-3 days and counting until the big trip and while I'm not really having second thoughts, it's unnerving. Everything in my life has been falling into place rather quickly as of late, which I know is a God thing and I should be thankful. But if you really know me, you'll understand that it makes me feel as if I'm free falling without a parachute.

I decided today that I'll be moving out of the house this Fall and into my first apartment. Don't get me wrong, it's a huge load off my back; however, that feeling is beginning to hit me again...that feeling of being stretched. The feeling you got on the first day of Kindergarten. The feeling you got when you sat behind the wheel for the first time. The feeling of your practice graduation service. The feeling of growing up.

If you're not careful you'd say that it feels bad. I've noticed lately that everything I feel isn't so black and white. Not to be misconstrued: I know that things are distinctly right and wrong but emotions are harder to tack. The feeling of spicy food is a sensation that some people like while others, like me, would rather not feel. The feeling of the wind in your hair is nice some days and others you just don't want to experience that at the moment. That's how growing up is. Longing for the past while hopeful for the future. It's not inherantly unpleasant, however if you let it lay there in your mind it can grow to be.

I'm sure it would surprise none of you if I said that I've been thinking about my future husband a lot lately. This growing up thing has really changed my perception of him through the years and it only goes to prove what I knew all along:

God knows exactly what you/I need in a spouse. Even when we're not ready to know what we need.

This simple truth is so incredibly freeing to me. If God knows what I'll need in a co-sharer of the gospel, then he'll let me know when I can fully appreciate it and agree. Needless to say, this explains a lot.

This explains why I couldn't get my way and marry the first cute guy I liked in Kindergarten who never noticed nerdy little me. (Will post pic later) This would explain why, as much as He knows I tried, I could never make it work with other guys along the way. It's not because I didn't really love them or really try, but because I didn't know what I would/will become let alone what that means I would need.

Not to say that I do know now, it's just comforting. :)

So I've got three days left and just to warn you: I have no idea who I'll be when I come back, but pray that God will make me into a more godly, more mature woman of God.

Here's present Elyz saying,
"Here's lookin at you, kid."

(See: elyzabroad.blogspot.com for entries while in Prague!)

Sunday, April 24, 2011

Skizophrenia

WARNING: I have no idea where this post is going...

My life is organized in file folders. I have each part set off in another section of my brain with its associated friends, activities, and emotions. And every so often I have to choose which part I spend more time in, invest in you might say. I'm sure you are not unlike me. You make choices to attend one event and miss another based on importance. Not that any one of these file folders isn't important in its own right, but some preceed others.

Quite clearly family trumps in most cases. However some days I wonder if I chose the right file folder. (I spent today with my family and church family and have no regrets about that, I'm speaking of previous days.) You make a quick choice which you hope won't come back to bite you when you find out what you could have been doing.

A friend of mine classified this as the dissease of not wanting to miss out on anything and I can't say I disagree. People always say that college should be the best four years of your life. What incredible pressure! I mean on top of attempting to make good grades you have to ALSO make sure you're having the most fun you'll ever have, because you've already been told "This is as good as it gets." How depressing is that?

So you put all your assorted friends and activities in their appropriate file folders and attempt to decipher which will be the most fun with the least consequences in each given circumstance. Maybe that's why binge drinking is so rampant on college campuses? Why do we put so much pressure on ourselves? Are we having fun yet?

I titled this post Skizophrenia because sometimes it seems that way. That one minute life is going great and then you start to question if you're doing it right. And the answer is always no because there's always more you could study, more you could experience, there's no way that we could do it all in four years.

On top of all this, most people are said to meet their future spouse in college. As if I didn't have enough to worry about getting done. The stress is tremendous.

Example: I'm looking at possibly moving into an apartment (or dorm) and out of my parents house this fall. The real question is: "What will I miss?" If I live with my parents it's time that could be spent on studying, theatre, and friends. If I live near campus it's my brothers and sister growing up and the council my parents provide. (Not to mention free rent and groceries as well as other misc. benefits.) So how do you go about comparing the two? They're apples and oranges.

I'm leaving for Prague soon. I will be missing a lot by going. But would I miss more if I didn't? There's no way to know what I will be missing until it happens and the moment is gone. This is why I'm so terrible about deciding things.

...well that's not what I had planned to say at all...

vexed,
Elyz

Monday, April 11, 2011

Elyz the Gypsy

Elyz is going abroad!

I'll be blogging on a different blog while abroad for organizational sake. Here's the link!

http://elyzabroad.blogspot.com/

Once I'm back I'll be back to this address. Check the counter 37 days!

Na shledanou!
~Elyz~

Sunday, April 3, 2011

When You're the Best of Friends...

For those of you who have been keeping up with my Blog for a little while I'm sure you've noticed that I am indeed one of "those" people. I hereby confess that I am a "over-dramatic-late-night-studying-showtunes-singing-attention-loving-crazy-theatre-person." This last show I've been privy to serve in was titled "Dr. Horrible's Sing Along Blog" and I was blessed to be able to work costumes for this student-run show. This show was absolutely wonderful and filled with amazingly talented people on and off the stage who were not strangers to the idea of servant leadership.

For those of you who have not darkened the doorway of a theatre, let me attempt to convey what happens. A group of partial to complete strangers get cast or agree to help with a show. They attempt to do the script justice and in the process are forced to jump through some awkward hoops and just plain shennanigans in order to achieve the afore mentioned goal. In this process they become closer than they were at their point of casting/recruiting. Then the show opens. They make theatrical magic and the crowd loves it, and all of a sudden they're your family. This is the part I can't explain, because although you may not know any more about them than you did before opening night, you'd gladly spend the next month performing (and basicly living) with them (or most of them.) Then you have several days of chaotic bliss as the show runs its course. And then the curtain falls and you push the anxiety to the back of your head so that you can take care of cleaning up the mess of art you've all made on stage. But once you're all back in your respective places it doesn't feel right. There's nothing more to clean, place, say and you know that you will never get back that show ever again.

But there is some comfort because the majority of your cast and crew feel the same way. We theatre types call this "actor's remorse." And then of course the pictures go up on facebook and everyone gets excited to see each other again at the cast party. But nothing will ever be the same because you've been there and you will always have that cast/crew as a sort of extended family.

This is not someting I want to live without. Nor something I ever plan on living without. I'd like to thank the Dr. Horrible cast and crew for being so great and showing me (even though you didn't know it at the time) that my place is here with you crazy people. I may not know where I'm going but I know what I'll be doing. I love you all and I am impatient for the next time that we can work art together again.

I'll miss you so incredibly much this summer!
here's lookin at you kids,

~Elyz~

Monday, March 14, 2011

I Dare you to Move.

Note to self:

Life happens once and too quickly to waste any of it on being afraid. So don't waste your life moping or in fear. Today I know I won't take this for granted but I write this so that in a few weeks I can look back and maybe I can redeem a few more days of my life for God's work than I would have. I never want to spend another day away from Jesus, for the rest of my life, because those days are just a waste of precious time.
Praise God, He pardons me.

Sincerely,
Past Elyz

Friday, March 4, 2011

Cloud-watching

So it's a Friday which is already wonderful, but it's also the Friday before Spring Break. It's also gorgeous outside, hence the title of this blog. I was just listening to this song by Priscilla Ahn (Dream) and realized how incredibly happy I am today. I mean it's just one of those days that life is just good. So I'm gonna go could-watching after I finish Stage Combat today. So if you read this, I know it's chilly, go outside and be happy. :) Life is good.

~Elyz~

Sunday, February 20, 2011

1-20-2011

I've begun this blog post so many times and yet I still can't seem to say what I mean to. Today has been one year. Maybe one day I'll be able to accurately explain what happened and what is happening now, but today I can't. All I know is that I thought God was done with me. I'm writing this because maybe someone needs to hear it. And even though it's painful, it's a blessing today.

One year ago today I realized that the future I had envisioned was never going to happen. It was one of the most painful days of my life. I'd run so far away from God for so long, and in a moment I realized exactly where I was. I was lost and cold and more selfish than I ever thought I could become. I was a monster. In that day I finally saw myself for what I really was and was truely horrified. I literally fell on my knees and let myself be broken.

This past year has been full bittersweet. God welcomed me back and I will never fully understand why. Sometimes everyday seems to bring me another adventure, sometimes it seems as though I'm flooded with impossiblities. But my life will never again be what it was then. I may still be a monster, but I pray that I will never be that girl again. My point is, however, that when I thought I was done, God was only beginning.

I've been weaker then ever before, and out of my own control. (which, for those of you who know me, is absolutely petrifying.) I've felt useless and spent, and somehow God finds that little bit that's left of me and uses it. It's absolutely exhausting but also incredible and fulfilling.

I'd also like to say that I didn't spend this year just me and God, however that was a huge part of it. I owe my sanity, in part, to several of my closest friends and family. (you know who you are.) I don't deserve you all, and I'll also never know why you all have blessed me as selflessly as you have. I hope that one day I'll be able to bless you as well as you have taught me is indicative of someone who loves God.

I've spent this entire year knowing a little of what the next day will hold as far as pain and/or regret. But for the first time tonight I'll fall asleep with absolutely no idea what tomorrow will hold and it scares me. I'm scared because I thought I'd always wake up with the weight of this year. Because I assumed that tomorrow morning I would wake up and be perfectly fine, and I've realized that I will never be the same. Because I had accepted the fact that I would never forget what it was like to fall in love and I realized today that I had forgotten. I'm scared because I don't know and I'm vulnerable.

But it's a great kind of scared. I heard once that courage is not the absence of fear, but the knowledge that something is more important than that fear. I know that God's work for me isn't done and so, while I still feel very weak, I can say that I am confident in my Lord and have courage that if He brings me to it, He will see me through it, because only He can.

Praise the Lord, He is faithful.

~Elyz~

ps: Day 1...

Tuesday, February 15, 2011

A Note Concerning 5:45 AM

So this morning I had to wake up at 5:45am to do my Philosophy homework and I, shockingly, actually did wake up that early. I just thought I'd write a quick note about it because, I kid you not, I thought this would be the death of me. However, my results have been quite different.

I set my alarm clock for once, which was nice because I got to wake up to "1,2,3,4" by Plain White T's. ^_^ Because I woke up happy I was able to force myself to turn on my light and get up. (This may not sound like much, but trust me it's near impossible to convince myself to get up in the morning unless I'm already late.) Because I got up early I got to read the next chapter in Zechariah and the first chapter of 1 Corinthians which, let me tell you, is about as thick as a Cook-Out shake when it's 5:45am. Because I did this, I was able to do my Philosophy homework and do it well. (while waiting for Kelsey to shower.) Because I did my homework I probably still have a 100% average in Philosophy. Because of all this I was able to be right on time getting out of the house and actually got to class a little early. (A first for my 8:30am class which I commute 30min every other morning to.)

Because of this I was able to think clearly during class and give some arguments which I'd say were fairly adequate about Plato's analogies of the "Sun" and "Divided Line." I even got to see a great logical proof for God's existence which the professor probably didn't even notice he was giving! Because of this I listened to some great music and praise God on my way to Astronomy, which put me in a good enough mood to actually talk to one of the people in our class and befriend them. (Which I'm usually way too shy to do.) This also led to me thinking clearly enough to get almost all the questions right in class and (just now) my first 100 for homework in that class.

All this led me to be in a great mood for work where (although there were some frustrating people as usual) I was able to keep my temper. This led to me deciding to eat my lunch outside by Talley, which led me to have a moment of awesome inspiration which led me to draw this awesome sketch which made me even happier!
Which led me to write this post.



Catching the drift?
Maybe I should wake up at 5:45am more often?

~Elyz~

Thursday, February 10, 2011

100 Days

Hello Cyberfriends,

So cerca 100 days from today I will be boarding a plane to travel to Prague, Czech Republic! God's already prepared me and provided so much for me in this time but I know that these last few weeks will be the most pivotal to my ability to serve while I'm there. I'd like to ask all of you to pray for me before and during this trip and in return I will attempt to blog every day while I am in Prague! I may or may not get to blog before I leave though...haha, I'm kind of busy with preparations.

So my main question is what you'd want me to blog about while I'm there?
I had some ideas but I'd like to know what you want to know about while I'm gone?

PS: If no one answers I'll just have to do something boring like pictures. ;) But I'd really prefer a theme or something.

PSS: In the mean time enjoy the new song on the blog: "Send me on my way" from Rusted Boot. It's in Ice Age and stuck in my head, but it's a pretty decent song to be stuck there so I don't mind so much. Enjoy!

~Elyz~

Monday, February 7, 2011

Waiting.

"...You can get so confused
that you'll start in to race
down long wiggled roads at a break-necking pace
and grind on for miles cross weirdish wild space,
headed, I fear, toward a most useless place.
The Waiting Place...

...for people just waiting.
Waiting for a train to go
or a bus to come, or a plane to go
or the mail to come, or the rain to go
or the phone to ring, or the snow to snow
or the waiting around for a Yes or No
or waiting for their hair to grow.
Everyone is just waiting.

Waiting for the fish to bite
or waiting for the wind to fly a kite
or waiting around for Friday night
or waiting, perhaps, for their Uncle Jake
or a pot to boil, or a Better Break
or a string of pearls, or a pair of pants
or a wig with curls, or Another Chance.
Everyone is just waiting..."
-Dr. Suess



...Is in the Waiting Place. Too bad Dr. Suess never told us how you'll get out.

~Elyz~

Wednesday, January 12, 2011

A Little Perspective

So I know I need to write about something, but I'm not sure exactly what.

A friend, who I really doubt will end up reading this, posted today on Facebook a rhetorical question asking what people do when they wake up one day and all their goals are met. Well, I know it was meant to be rhetorical, but seeing as I can't find anything to write about I guess I'll just answer it.

When I wake up one day in the far distant future and I look at my husband, my children, my life, and I ask myself what now? The answer will be Christ. I'm slowly discovering perhaps a sliver of the bigger picture of my tiny thread of a life. I'm learning that this whole experience is only my engagement. I'm going to marry the King of Glory one day. So how can my life not be a wonderful bittersweet falling in love time with Christ? Even when I have my best friend and my unimaginable children and perhaps even a career or something else, I will never be satisfied until I'm in the arms of my Love. These tiny vicotries shed light on the reality of marriage and relationships for me and how different they are for me rather than those who have no life after this.

I used to hate when my parents said that they didn't believe that it would matter who you married in heaven. I mean how can you love someone like that your whole life and then it doesn't matter? But I'm beginning to understand...and as much as I will love my future husband and as amazing as our life here will be...I'm sorry but there is no man on earth that can compare to my Jesus. Spoiler: My Jesus wins.

So this is basicly changing everything. As it should. As I hope it does for you, cyberspace.

In waiting,
Elyz

Whacha looking for?